After working with couples for many years, I have realised something very important. People don't stray from significant relationships and have affairs because the new person is more good looking, thinner, or smarter. They turn to that person to get what they are not getting in their own relationship. That may be attention, validation, acceptance, or any other unmet need they may have.
Our intimate relationships with our life partners are like a dance. When we first meet and come together is exciting and thrilling! That feeling of being the only two on the dance floor as the rest of the world fades into the background. The newness of discovery and surprise is intoxicating.
After a few years, we may find ourselves dancing to the same playlist on repeat, banging out the same dance moves. Even worse, it can feel like we are dancing to two different songs, our moves out of sync with each other. Worst of all, one partner starts thinking about leaving the dance floor.
I have seen couples who have been together for many years, but constant miscommunication left them at the point where they felt like they were speaking different languages.
How To Communicate Well In A Relationship
Effective communication is essential in a thriving long-term relationship. But communication is not only talking.
There are 4 aspects to communication in intimate relationships:
Clarify
Ask questions to discover where each person is at. What are you both experiencing? What are you each feeling? What do you both need? It can be easy to just assume what another person is thinking, especially if we have known them for a long time.
Here is a true example of this:
A woman said to her male partner: “I don’t want to be so wifey.”
What she meant was: “I don't want to be the only one doing the housework.”
What he heard was: “I don't want to be married to you anymore.”
Unfortunately, this couple ended up divorcing from a very small miscommunication that grew and irrevocably damaged their relationship.
Connect
Create a space where each person is able to speak honestly without fear of criticism. This can take practice but it does get easier each time you do it. Listen to understand instead of listening to respond. Validate instead of manipulate. Reflect back what you hear and ensure that you are both heard and understood without judgment. There is no right or wrong, good or bad. Focus on acknowledgment and acceptance of one another.
Collaborate
Explore strategies to meet each other’s needs and requests in ways that are mutually satisfying. For intimacy to develop, we need to be able to not only give, but also receive love and understanding.
Closeness
When you enjoy a fulfilling relationship in which each person feels accepted, valued, and loved, closeness develops naturally. You can relax and trust that you are both committed to the relationship and enjoy contributing to each other’s wellbeing.
Finding The No-Fault Zone® In Your Relationship
The No-Fault Zone® Game is one of the most effective tools you can use to implement these 4 aspects of communication into your relationship. It has helped thousands of couples improve their understanding of one another.
The cards and mat guide you as you both discover and explore your feelings and patterns of behaviour. While it helps you understand why you both say and do what you do, The No-Fault Zone® Game also allows you to get to the root of any issues quickly and clearly without any blame or shame and then find ways to meet both of your needs going ahead.
Most humans desire closeness and intimacy with a significant other. That person who is your safe place, with whom you can be yourself, with all your fabulousness and flaws.
If you would like to experience a closer, more connected relationship, get in touch with us today.
We are here to help you.
